at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
