I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
