Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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