Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
