bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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