The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
