My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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