Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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