you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
