Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
