please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
