you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize