He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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