I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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