Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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