She is in my trunk
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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