I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
