Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
