WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
