i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
