Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
