She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
