i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize