you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
