Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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