Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Randomize