I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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