I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
