life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Come see our sink grown plant.
vagina is talking i cant
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
