i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
