two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have tasted many bathrooms
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
