Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
