I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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