Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
