party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
