I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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