someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
