dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was born a porn star she said
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
