Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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