gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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