Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
