Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
