Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
