Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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