I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
