My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize