my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
