..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize