she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
