Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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