Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
