Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize