he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We're too hungover to prance.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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