I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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