I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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