One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize