Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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