OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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