Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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