I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
