Don't make out with my wife yet
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
